Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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