I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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