Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
