i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
