recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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