This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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