If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
