How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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