that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize