I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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