listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
