It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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