i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
