The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
