Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
