What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
