I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
