I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
