I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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