Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
