Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
my liver is dry heaving
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
