I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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