did you get engaged???
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Randomize
