it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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