There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
