Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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