You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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