peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
