He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
