Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize