The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
