You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
