I smell stomach acid.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
