from now on my penis is your penis
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
