I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That's how pantless uber rides happen
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
