Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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