filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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