I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
