I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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