highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
