bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize