The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
