in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
