I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
