He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
