you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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