I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you win again, gameday.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
