she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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