don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
