Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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