All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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