My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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