we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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