Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
