it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
