Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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