I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
