just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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