I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
