You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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