whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
