OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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