and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
