So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
