we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
