return my video game
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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