when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
