imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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