Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
