I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Randomize
